high expectations

Last night I finally got to see Jenny. I felt like it had been forever. In my head I saw her doing a lot better. I saw her coherent and being more awake. She isn't. It is very upsetting. I know she recognizes us but I don't know if she understands us completely. I don't even know if she knowS she is in the hospital. When we were in there last night she didn't even turn her head to follow us where we walked. You hold her hand and she doesn't squeeze it or anything. She is moving her left hand a lot. They don't have it all wrapped up anymore. It has been 6 weeks so I am guessing the breaks are healed. I honestly think she moves it because it hurts. I don't think its a voluntary motion. Her right side of her head has bead sores because she has favored that side the whole time. Also sometimes she tries to sit up some and tries to pull her feeding tube out of her nose. I don't blame her. Its a big tube and it can't be comfortable. I am not going to lie when I say her left arm looks bad. She has had many surgeries on it. I thought it would be a lot better by now. But her face looks great. I hope that she wakes up being positive, and thankful for the good things and find even the smallest good about the bad things. The doctors are even more sure she had and still has a concussion. They say that its like a bruise it didn't show up right away but the bruise is showing up now. I am ready to have Jenny back but I think its probably best she is not coherent, because she would be stressed out and scared. I know I wouldn't want to be alone. We are at a plateo. She isn't moving backwards but she is just inching forward very slowly. U think its just hard right now because in my head I have a vision or how she should look like, or how well she should be doing and then reality hits me. My expectations are high. I guess even though I have seen how far she has come and I keep thinking she could stay moving at that pace. But most of her recovery now will be slow moving. Its easier for a burn to heal than it is for her mind to wake up and get back to normal especially with all the medicine she has had. I didn't expect everything to take this long. I was hoping it wouldn't take this long. Last night I just say and held her hand and watched TV. She was just sleeping after the first few minutes. She has surgery on her arm again with the plastic surgeon. I know she recognized us because she was crying when john talked to her and told her he loved her. It was really emotional. Its really hard seeing john upset. All of this is hard. When I see Jen I know I need to be strong so I just try to talk to her about anything. I don't cry anymore because I don't want her to get stressed. Its a lot easier to see her with mom. I feed off her strength. She makes me feel at ease when I am visiting Jen. She knows all about what's going on, what's normal behavior for her, what every tube is, and every nurse. I wish I had more to say, or really good news to report but right now that's it.